uh, what’s the word.. shitty? Haha.
so i had my volunteer work today just for a couple of hours today due to dance practice. i usually just lay out the games for the children, play with them, talk to them, etc. and when all the children look like they’re doing fine, then i’ll just do my homework or study. well one of the little girls, lauren, a five year old, was acting weird. she probably drank about 6 waterbottles in one setting today.
the staff asked her if she’s okay, and lauren just nodded yes. they shrugged it off. but i knew there was something wrong. i kinda gave the staff a questioned look, a look that read, “this is a fucking daycare center for abused children, you dumbasses. of course something is wrong.”
i asked her what happened, she told me she’s just thirsty.
i took her hand, lead her into the hallway and asked her again but this time i added, “don’t lie to me.”
she sighed and said, “okay, i had soap in my mouth earlier. but it’s okay, i’m okay now! i just want more water.” she told me with a cheerful smile.
“why did you eat soap?”
“i didn’t eat it.. mom put it in there.”
after she told me that, my heart dropped in disappointment. i asked her why her mom put soap in her mouth, and she explained to me that she refused to drink her milk this morning and her mother’s patience was running low.
“she got really, really mad. but i really, really hate milk!”
she saw the disappointed expression in my face and tried to reassure me and said, “it’s okay, mom’s always like this. i’m used to it.”
i asked her how long her mom kept the soap in her mouth.
ten minutes.
“okay. well, are you still thirsty?” i asked. lauren nodded. i took her hand and asked the staff if anyone wanted starbucks.
i got back with a few frappaccinos and coffees and sat them on the front table. i saw lauren’s single mother at the front desk ready to pick her up. all dressed up in businesswear, her hair tied in a slick back ponytail, and full of friendly smiles and laughter from talking to our receptionist - you wouldn’t have thought anything dysfunctional about her.
in my volunteer place, i’m trained to not lash out at their parents. so i held myself back, but i already pictured her bloody nose dripping on her silk white blouse and a large dark purple bruise on her right eye. i walked up to lauren, handed her her vanilla bean and gave her a tight hug.
her mom smiled at me and spoke frantically, “oh, no, dear! you didn’t have to! lauren, say thank you!”
i wanted to tell her, “fuck you, fake ass bitch!” but instead, i just replied, “it’s fine, see you tomorrow.”
i knew if i lashed out, or hinted in any way what lauren had told me, i would have gotten her in trouble.
but i told the staff and they’re the ones that handle that sort of stuff. i just told them that lauren really trusts me and they can’t fuck that up if they say anything to lauren’s mom.
when i was little and one of my teachers told a family service about my bruises/behavior, someone would come over and ask me questions. but i always told them i fell and that was it, they’d leave. but after, my mom would beat me and told me that if i told another social service, that she’d kill me. which i never did. it was always my teachers who would. and what’s sad is that my mom also used to put a bar soap in my mouth whenever i disobeyed her or talked back. i’ll probably never forget it when she did that.
idk man.. there are way more fucked up stories that these children have told me and what i hear from the staff and i wish that i could write it all out but it might be too brutal to explain.
Days like today where I’m just like.. fuck this study guide, I just wanna kick it and smoke some. But I have to contain myself :/
I just want my got damn, good ol paperback version so I can read my lovely book while I lay down comfortably on my bed. sheeesh.
Sometimes I wanna cry all this stress out in the corner instead of killing my lungs and liver every weekend about it .. and just plain ignoring it.
like a couple of weeks not even a month but don’t follow my footsteps lol. mine never got infected though.
